The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly The True Story
by Me
Summary: Bert & Ernie in a doctorpatient skit showing what really happened to the lady who swallowed a fly.


I made a number of Elmo's World parodies at www dot muppetcentral dot com (it doesn't let me put in a link) under DTF in the fan fiction section of the forums – you can go there if you want. They're script form, and I don't have time to change them. (And, it's a little hard to describe some of the stuff. I'm more used to human characters.)

However, I did want to share this to give people a taste of some of the stuff I did put there. I love good, clean, wholesome stuff, and I grew up with these two, not Elmo, anyway. So, here is my take on their take on a classic song – and the real story behind it.

Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly – The Untold Story

Ernie held one end of his stethoscope in his hands while thinking. He was so glad to be working at the clinic - even as a simple medical assistant.

His good friend Bert had already said he planned to come down to see him when Ernie had some time to himself. Now that he did, it looked like Bert was coming, just as promised. But, who was that with him?

It was a lady who looked just like Bert except, first, she had a striped dress that was like Bert's striped shirt but with lace on the sleeves, and, second, she had a tuft of white hair instead of black. She had lipstick around her lips, and her eyebrow was wavy.

"Hey, Bert, who's this?"

"Oh, oh, Ernie, I'm so glad you're here. Listen, this is my aunt's cousin's mother-in-law's sister, and she needs help."

"Why, sure, Bert, let me check." He listens to her heart on the stethoscope. "Her heart seems fine."

"It's not her heart, Ernie - she swallowed a fly."

"Oh, an old lady who swallowed a fly. Well, Bert, that's not a big problem, lots of people accidentally swallowed insects."

"Yes, but perhaps she'll die! You see..." He helped the lady into a wheelchair, and said, "We'll be right with you, Bernice."

"Bernice. Isn't that your pigeon's name?"

"Yes, it is, Ernie. I named Bernice the pigeon after my aunt's cousin's mother-in-law's sister. Anyway, since she swallowed the fly, she's been swallowing…well…."

As Bert talked to Ernie, Bernice sat in the wheelchair in the waiting room. A sunshine lady walked by. "Oh, hello. How are you today, Ma'am?"

"Hungry."

"Well, let me see what I can get for you while you wait. My name's Prairie Dawn, by the way. And, I'm a Sunshine Lady."

A stray cat walks past; Bernice picked it up. "Kittycat."

"Yes, yes, that is a kittycat. Now, let me get you something to eat." She began going through a bag, and pulled out some candy.

"Yummy kitty," Bernice said.

"What!" Prairie Dawn was shocked - as shocked than she'd ever been seeing Cookie Monster eat cookies. "No, no, Ma'am, that kitty is not yummy; why, it is not even food."

"Cats catch birds."

"Yes, yes, cats catch birds, but what does that have to do with you thinking that cat is food?"

"I want him to catch a bird."

Prairie looked away for a split second, at which time the lady put the cat in her mouth. "Okay, but if you want him to catch a bird you cannot…Ma'am!" She stared at the cat as it went down the old lady. "What did you just do!"

"I swallowed the cat."

"Ohhhhh," Prairie cried. "But, Ma'am, you weren't supposed to swallow the cat. Cats are not food! And besides, your stomach just grew."

"He's catching a bird."

Prairie flailed a hand as she asked, "What bird?"

"The one I swallowed to catch the spider."

"Oh dear! Well, it's a good thing we have you in the hospital now!"

Bert and Ernie had been looking on; Ernie held his hand to his mouth. "Oh no!"

"Yes," Bert concurred, "I've heard that consuming domesticated animals whole always leads to death..."

"Oh, doctor," Prairie said.

"Not right now, okay, I'm very busy," Ernie explained.

"But doctor, didn't you see?" She pointed to Bernice. "She swallowed a cat."

"Iimagine that, she swallowed a cat!" Ernie handed Bernice a large book, with about 1000 pages. "Here are some forms to fill out, then we can admit you." She thanked him and went offscreen. "So, Bert, let me get a little history on her." He picked up a chart and a pen on a clipboard.

"Okay, well you know she swallowed the fly."

"Yes, do you know why she swallowed the fly?"

"I don't know why she swallowed the fly."

"Okay, and perhaps she'll die," he said as he wrote it. "What happened next?"

"Well, next she swallowed a spider that wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her."

Ernie held his fingers to his mouth. "Oh; so you think there was something wrong with the cider."

"What cider?"

"The cider. You said that it wriggled."

"It did wriggle, yes."

"And it tickled."

"It tickled, yes, Ernie, it did tickle," Bert confirmed.

"And it even jiggled."

Bert became a little agitated. "Yes, Ernie, it wriggled and tickled and jiggled. Is there a point to all this?"

"You believe something was wrong with the cider?"

"What cider, there was no cider."

"Then how could it wriggle and tickle and jiggle in cider?"

Bert shook his head fast. "I'm telling you, she drank no cider, she didn't even have any cider in the house!"

"Well, I didn't say she drank it, Bert."

Bert raised his eyebrows. "What…?"

"Maybe she dipped the spider in the cider before she ate it and it went inside her."

'Ernie…okay, okay, look. It doesn't matter. What matters is, next she swallowed a bird."

"A bird?" Ernie wrote it in his notes. "What kind of bird?"

"I don't know, Ernie, just a bird; what does it matter what kind of bird it was?"

"I don't know, Bert. Maybe she was just really hungry."

"Ernie, she was not really hungry," Bert exclaimed. "She swallowed the bird to catch the spider that wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her."

"Now we're back to the cider again. If being in cider's not important…"

"…It is important, Ernie, that's where it wriggled and tickled and jiggled! Inside her!"

"Well, why didn't you say so, Bert?"

How could that have solved anything, Bert wondered. "Huh?"

"Well, the spider couldn't do any damage if it kept struggling in all that cider before she drank it."

"Look, I'm telling you it did do damage," Bert complained. "It had to be inside her to catch the fly."

"The fly was in cider, too."

"Of course the fly was inside her," Bert screamed, "why would she swallowed the spider to catch the fly if there was no fly inside her."

"I don't know why she swallowed the fly," Ernie shot back.

"Yeah, well, perhaps she'll die…"

As Ernie gathered more information, a dog came along. The patient was petting it.

"Yes, that's right, pet the nice doggie," Prairie Dawn said as she took the stack of papers and handed them to Ernie. When she turned around again, the dog was gone, and Bernice's stomach had grown larger. "Ma'am! Where did the dog go?"

"To catch a cat."

"But, Ma'am, there are no cats in this building. Why, the only cat came in a minute ago, and...Oooooh," Prairie Dawn cried. "You didn't swallow the dog, did you? Oh, what a hog, to swallow a dog."

Bert: Ernie, did you see that, you've got to admit her right away."

"Okay, fine, Bert. All her forms are filled out, we'll put her in the wing overlooking the barnyard."

"Good, good, Ernie," Bert said as an Anything Muppet nurse wheeled Bernice away, and Prairie Dawn followed. "Now, where were we?"

"We were trying to figure out how the spider got in the cider."

"Ernie, will you cut it out with the cider, I keep telling you, she drank no cider. The problem is I believe the spider spun a web."

"A web? You mean it was on the Internet?"

"Ernie, I'm talking about a web that can catch a fly."

"Ohhhhh," Ernie said, "so the fly was on the computer."

"There were no computers involved, Ernie, I'm telling you she swallowed the spider to catch the fly. Now, how else is a spider going to catch a fly?"

"I don't know," he said, tossing up a baseball, "but with eight mitts on it must have had it pretty easy." He sits the ball down again.

Bert got flustered again. "Will you quit joking around, this is serious. Now, the fly was buzzing around inside her, and then the spider wriggled and tickled and jiggled insider her, so there's no telling what the bird and the cat and the dog are doing in there."

"Okay, Bert, okay. So, you're saying that the fly and the spider were inside her."

"Right, yes, they were insider her."

"So, the main question is," Ernie said somewhat rapidly, "were the fly and the spider in cider before they were inside her, and if the fly was in cider before it was inside her, was the spider in cider before it was inside her, or after it was inside her. Because if the spider was in cider before it was inside her, the problem wasn't the cider, whether or not the fly was in cider before or after it was inside her."

Very confused, Bert asked, "Could you repeat that?"

"I don't think so."

Suddenly, Prairie Dawn came running down the hallway, saying, "Oh dear, oh dear! Doctor Ernie?"

"Yes, what's the matter, Prairie Dawn?"

"The goat is missing!"

Ernie gasped. "You don't suppose…"

"Yes, she opened her throat, and swallowed a goat. And then, right after that, she swallowed a cow!"

"What!" Bert glared at Ernie. "How could you let this happen?"

"I don't know how, but she swallowed a cow," Ernie said matter-of-factly. "Look, Bert, I think I've reached a diagnosis."

"Really, what's that, Ernie?"

"Your aunt's cousin's mother-in-law's sister is suffering from a rare condition affecting her brain."

"You mean to tell me she's zonked out of her gourd?"

"If you want to use the technical medical terms, yes."

"But, Ernie…it's her stomach where all those animals go, that's where everything goes when you eat it," Bert said as Prairie Dawn left again.

"No, no, Bert, listen. A goat isn't that big, right?" That was true. "So, how could a goat catch a dog? But, if the dog is too small, how could it catch a cat?"

Bert hummed. "I hadn't thought of that."

"So, see, Bert, it's the way she's thinking that's messed up. And a cow, how's that going to catch anything? Now, if she swallowed a lion, or a tiger, than yeah. A lion or tiger could catch a goat." The phone rang. "Excuse me? Hello," he answered. "Oh. I see. Yes, I'll tell him." Ernie sighed and looked at Bert. "You know your aunt's cousin's mother-in-law's sister? Well, she swallowed a horse. And, she's dead, of course."

"I see," Bert said sadly. "Well, you'll send me the bill?"

"I'd have to take the bird out to get it."

"Well, just…give me a bill right now."

"Okay," Ernie said as he pulled a duck's bill out from a drawer, "here you go." He gave his signature laugh as the scene ended.


End file.
